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lost dreams

My name is MaS,
and i have yet to grow,
from my adolescent state,
to wat many call as a mature adult,
though i am no longer a teen by age,
thy shall act like a kid,
but only for a certain time,
or risk facing trouble thats shit,
im no longer a kid,
im no longer a teen,
but could i still act as one,
for the fun of it.

Life, is shit, and shit is life, and this is how h eruns his life. Life is unfair and so is he, he harden his soul to create a emotionless spree. He is soo lame he is soo quiet, but that is how he is. He is all vulgar and also disgusting, but he is who he is and not like other. He holds a principle, based on his soul, its always changing with the flow of time. The growth is there but it isn't obvious because the life he's in is so damn troublesome. He may seem all nice, he may seem like a pushover, but never try his limit or you'll face his anger. His life is tough, and he knows others too have it tough, but everyone is different and they should never be compared. Comparison kill his spirit, comparison killed his mind, it is as though it is no more his but rather it is others. He is disturbingly disturbed and sometimes extremely the extreme, but this is rare as its a rare phenomenon. He is nothing but a fool indeed, living thru this life with all he got. His life seems awful, but it is to him alone, he wouldn't understand others as how others wouldn't understand him. Thank you so much for reading this shit, as it means alot for his stuff to be read.


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Friday, July 29, 2005

ohhh ... i just 'love' this life ..... most of the time

isnt life soo lovely .... its yet another time of me .... finding a place of belonging ..... a plce where i can really fit ..... well .... i guess i just have to fit to ppl ..... even though it isnt me ...... ohhh yeah ... i do suffer from mood swings also ... dunno y though .... but hey ..... i still suffer from it ...... aahhhh ..... my temper on the rise .... yup .... im gonna blog about myself even deeper than b4 .... y ... cos it just seems dat is the for the better isnt it ..... its not like i have many readers also ..... let them know how i really am la .....

already been diagnosed by the psycho-to-be ..... actually ... i more or less already knew wat she had diagnose me .... but hey ... its just me ... isnt it ..... hahaha ..... cant be helped ....scarred since young .... i think la .... not sure la ... but 1 thing for sure ... i was already feeling such since i was young .... soo .... can i be cured ??? maybe .... but most probably not .... u cant be cured 100% ... no such thing ..... sooo .... y am i writing such terrible shit ... well its me ....

n sooo now to move on ..... isnt dat how it is suppose to be .... but how to move on ... when each time i move on ... it comes to haunt me later on ...... n it is repiticious .... if i spelled it correctly dat is ...... im finding it getting harder n harder to bear .... well ..... just have to keep it in .... dats wat i tot ..... but i guess ..... i MUST LET IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my anger .... my temper has been flaring ..... my mood has been rather unstable ..... having the toughest time keeping calm .... cant calm myself down anymore .... just cant ..... i dunno y .... but it used to be easy last time .... but nowadays ..... my temper flares like the volcano ..... but ... im also quiet ......

ahhh ... my quiet side ...... well .... this is due to my extreme shallowness .... n my no knowledge of fashion .... im sorry ... im not a fashion freak .... neither am i a movie buff .... neither am i a vivid reader ..... n i dun have astro like the rest of u out there ..... yeah .. there r a few who share my fate of not having astro ... n not knowing much about mtv n watever ..... but i try ..... i even tried to watch the OC ... to talk with frens .... haihz ... sad nyer .... cant be bothered anymore .... now ... im just gonna do wat i like ..... i know im super stupid ... but i dun care ..... i dun read newspaper like u guys as well ok .... neither am i a fitness guy ..... yeah .... u can screw me alll around .... doesnt matter much to me anymore anywayz ...

hahahaha .... i know i sound like a sad case guy .... but hey ... i've been hit in the face many times ... knowing dat i dun have a good fren in college/uni ..... they r just frens .... as many of u would know .... i am a pretty quite guy ..... but sumtimes .... i really feel neglected though ... in the group ..... when i try to talk ..... ppl woul listen for awhile ... until another person would talk n then they would not listen to me anymore .... typical ..... pretty obvious .... like i said sumtimes ..... when it is in a group .... unless i get a 1 to 1 session of talk .... then only do i have the chance to talk ..... really ..... isnt dat upsetting ... for u to only be able to talk to ppl only 1 to 1 .... n not in a group ...... just plain sad ......

anywayz .... like today ..... ahh they had to go to teppanyaki .... i know the food dat i would eat from there cos 7.90 .... soo ... i considered it pretty expensive .... n then .... i knew sumone would have to look after the bags dat they left behind .... sad yeah .... well it is bcos i feel obligated to take care for them ..... but ..... i dunno ... i feel like ... i've lost something dat i had last year .... i dunno wat it is ..... well ..... just have to leave it la .... its a lost part of me .....

ahhh .... i know i'll get alot of ppl contacting me ... asking ... r u ok .... those kind of things ... n of course i would say im ok ..... its a normal reaction ..... sadly ... i may not be .... suffereing badly ... once in awhile .... the illness im suffering from getting worse ???? maybe .... if not most probably ..... like she said ... get help .... help ... where ??? therapist ??? psychologist ??? they cost like hell .... RM200 per hour .... i rather go collet the money buy a gun .... n blow a bullet into my head ..... it seems sooooo easy .... like in a video clip i saw ..... dam smart ass ..... arrested ... but was not searched .... went into the station ... the police went out for a moment ..... got a gun from the front of his pants .... near his crotch la ... took the safety away ... aim .... n pulled the trigger .... dam cool suicide in a police station ... caught on camera ....

hahaha .... i know this is a sign of need an ear ..... n im telling the whole world ... im tired keeping my pain n suffering hidden already ... i know by doing this ... i'll be causing a great impact on a few .... maybe less than dat ... but still ... a few .... .... cant be bothered anymore of keeping it a secret ...... life is just to fucked up to keep it all to myself .....

ahhh life ..... it sucks ...... lovely death ... how i have longed for u ..... i know i sound like a sick bastard .... dats wat i am .... i know u all must be thinking im wanting self pity .... maybe i do .... but u dun have to give a fuck about me ..... im justa screwed up person like others ...... im a weakling ..... dats for sure ...

aaahhhhh ..... like the angel .... i dunno la .... isnt life fucked up ..... mentally .... im losing it ... for all i know .... i may end up dead ..... have been hoping for it to happen .... scold me all u wan ... im just tired ...

ahhh ... all my feelings .... deep inside .... i have the gratest uncertainty .... 1 minute happy ... another minute sad ... another minute angry ... n soo forth ....

somebody shoot me .... well ...... tooo tired already .... late nite post ..... dun bother askingme wat i have written ... cos later i would have forgotten about it ..... so dun bother asking ....

nitez y'all .... dun worry ..... i'll die .... 1 day .... sleepz sleepz here i come .....

posted by Elwyn at 12:16 PM

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