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lost dreams

My name is MaS,
and i have yet to grow,
from my adolescent state,
to wat many call as a mature adult,
though i am no longer a teen by age,
thy shall act like a kid,
but only for a certain time,
or risk facing trouble thats shit,
im no longer a kid,
im no longer a teen,
but could i still act as one,
for the fun of it.

Life, is shit, and shit is life, and this is how h eruns his life. Life is unfair and so is he, he harden his soul to create a emotionless spree. He is soo lame he is soo quiet, but that is how he is. He is all vulgar and also disgusting, but he is who he is and not like other. He holds a principle, based on his soul, its always changing with the flow of time. The growth is there but it isn't obvious because the life he's in is so damn troublesome. He may seem all nice, he may seem like a pushover, but never try his limit or you'll face his anger. His life is tough, and he knows others too have it tough, but everyone is different and they should never be compared. Comparison kill his spirit, comparison killed his mind, it is as though it is no more his but rather it is others. He is disturbingly disturbed and sometimes extremely the extreme, but this is rare as its a rare phenomenon. He is nothing but a fool indeed, living thru this life with all he got. His life seems awful, but it is to him alone, he wouldn't understand others as how others wouldn't understand him. Thank you so much for reading this shit, as it means alot for his stuff to be read.


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Friday, October 14, 2005

Do you want a piece of me ??

Hehehehe, as expected there isn't much readers on my blog and also seems like people are afraid of me. Well, there is nothing to be afraid of. You talk to me and I'll talk to you as well. But hey, I don't think my message is getting through to people. So I might as well just blog whatever I feel like blogging. Ahhh, the beauty of blogging without any cares for the world. That is how I wanna blog for now. Maybe I'll do some reading up on the topics I enjoy reading/knowing/talking about, as it would be the best for my blog and myself right now. Don't you think? Why am I asking you readers, how silly could I be!?!? Knowing there isn't much people out there who would read and leave me comments or messages on my tagboard except for the certain few people I know, I am a fool to think that people would come to this blog of mine.

Oohhh oohhh, people who are involved in the incident before this, do not worry about me, because, most of my posts are written at the spur of the moment, meaning that I am feeling that way during the period I blogged. It wouldn’t last long as I would forget about it after sometime, unless it is brought up later and reminds me back of the past. That is the main reason why I am sooooo forgetful. There are soo many things I wish to forget, but it would be impossible to do so you know. Well yeah, being me sucks. Well, this is the insight that was given to me by the future psychologist, "you are suffering from mild depression", hell even I know that. I think I have been suffereing from it since I was quite young I think. I start to notice it since I was Form 1.

Ahhh my little life story (not all but a brief 1). Well well, actually, I always felt lonely, dunno why though. That's why I like being around my friends in school, but only in school would I be around them. Usually on weekends, I would be home staring at my computer. That's how it has always been for me over the secondary school period. Except for a selective few weekends where I would go out with a bunch of friends. That is also when I kinda invite myself in. Ooohhhh my gawd, I'm finding another lame excuse for the way I am. How stupid of me doing so. Well let me continue my rant here ok.

Well it was certainly how I got sooo depressed. Jealousy, of others being able to have sooo close friends made me feel like I'm just too lonely in the world. Despite having both my parents by my side, I still felt the loneliness. And for the many years of me being alone, it really got to me. I find it hard to make friends, and also really mix with others. Soo yeah, this is how I was.

It is also a fact that I have given up hope on life many many times before. But I am lucky I have a bigger head than a heart. The thoughts that crossed my mind bears more weight than what my heart told me to do. Hehehehe, couldn't believe it. Well believe it. By form 2 or 3 I was pretty much a pessimist in many things, but I still had some hope. Well over the years of course my hope started to dwindle. Well it was the same till last year, actually beginning of last year. Hoping that I might be able to have a better chance, I had some big hopes. That's the reason why I changed and be the happy go lucky / super blur guy there. Well still my old self had a very firm grip on me. Sooo I went back to drowning myself in self pity and other stupid stuff. Then I read a book, forgot what was the title. The closest that I can remember the title of the book was. The 5 or 6 people you meet in heaven. Kinda made an impact. Made me learn something. As a result, I am living to make for the better or the worse for people who are related to me, and also for the better or the worse for me from other people who are also related to me. Well I'm pretty sure those book readers (should I call them book worm) knows the book, those who really really reads a lot.

Alright, enough about me. Sooo my new readers and also the normal readers, you will now know MaS, or what he was used to be known as MaSaLaH, which meant problem for those who doesn't know the malay language (this is not an insult, but it is really for those people who are not Malaysian). Alright, I've blog pretty long haven't I, well of course I am blogging this long because I have to wait a long time for someone before I can go back. But it is ok la, at least I'm blogging out my true self, aren't I. Well I know this may be toooo much information about me to everyone out there. But it is just for me to give you guys a layout about me.

This is a 1-time thing, I don't really want such things to be on my blog 24/7, so I write it in this post so that after a few more post it wont be in your sight anymore. Well, a question for all of you, and if you are willing to answer, what would you do now if you were in my shoes???
That's pretty much all I wanna say for today, wait for another post, soon. But need to start on my damn assignment, but I'll make time to blog, soo don't worry.

P.S. I do not hold anyone liable for anything that happens to me, especially the future psychologist. As for her case, i already self diagnose myself with depression years ahead of the time she told me. She is only giving her opinion as a friend, and she as a friend i trust.

posted by Elwyn at 5:09 PM

2 Comments:

  • U know, u shud stop worrying so much about ur amount of blog readers. It only upsets u more. Just blog, k? At least u haf a few loyal readers :-)

    And u siao ah post liddat, later ppl sue me for giving diagnosis w/o proper training. -_-"
    I said tat s a fren, not s a psy student.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Fri Oct 14, 05:07:00 PM  

  • yoho, well ... dun worry ... i'll put up a p.s. saying dat i dont hold anyone liable for anything dat happens to me ok .... dun worry too much ...

    n yeah .... i'll stop worrying about them for awhile la ...

    By Blogger Elwyn, at Fri Oct 14, 09:50:00 PM  

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